Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Russia To World: "We Thought You Were Joking!"

SOCHI - In a bizarre statement only three days before the start of the Winter Olympics, Russian President Vladmir Putin claimed during a press conference that Russia never actually thought the Winter Olympics would be held in Sochi.

"We thought it was a prank," Putin stated while petting his toy poodle Magnus.  "We are horrible people. Why would you ever agree to give us the world stage?"

Reports of unfinished hotels and lack of the basic amenities in some rooms have filtered out over the past 24 hours as media have flocked to the coastal town.  One reporter took to Twitter with anger after her hotel room did not have running water.

"What were you expecting?  We only figured out that these games were real like a week ago" said Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev.

The press conference, which was delayed for 10 minutes while aides for both Putin and Medvedev searched for phone books for the two to sit on so they could reach the microphone, took place in what used to be the janitor's closet at the Sochi Best Western.

"We all make mistakes," Medvedev continued "but this one is totally not on us. We thought you were joking. Why on earth would we host the Winter Olympics at the one place in Russia that doesn't get a lot of snow? That's just crazy talk."

When asked why, if they thought it was a joke, the Russian government built a large stadium in Sochi, Putin responded, "Oh that? That, um, is just for monster truck rallies."

A reporter from the BBC then asked whether the conditions at hotels will be better for the 2018 World Cup.

"What? That is also real? That can't be real. Now, these pecs? These are real!" Putin shouted while disrobing.

The press conference ended with both Russian leaders praising the work of the Russian people with "only weeks to prepare for the games" and Putin demanding the media to note that, even at just five foot seven, he is three inches taller than Medvedev.

"He's so short!" Putin exclaimed.

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