Monday, February 17, 2014

Fixing U.S. Curling For 2018

That's it!  I am sick of waiting four years for curling to be highlighted and then watch the American men fail.  I'm tired of losing to guys named Sebastian and Eriksson.  It kills me when our skip chokes once again and the Americans are left conceding the match after the eighth end.  This is the United States of America we are talking about!  We can't dominate in a sport that you can drink beer while playing?  Countries like Sweden and Norway are coming into our "house" and laughing after another easy victory?  ENOUGH!  If we follow these steps, we will be a dominant force by the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang:

1. More Intimidating Athletes

Our players look like accountants and real estate agents.  No one will ever be intimidated by them.  My solution?  Bring in some current or recently retired NFL players, teach them the sport and then watch as they stand over the stone like a bad ass!  The U.S. honorary captain is Vernon Davis of the 49ers, so we already have a fan.  I am certain that Mr. Torger Nergaard of Norway will think twice before releasing the stone with Patrick Willis standing close by.  Anyone would be more intimidating than this guy.


2.  Ban John Shuster from Curling

Speaking of that guy, that is our current skip John Shuster.  He also served in that position in 2010.  Both Olympics have been epic failures for this guy.  He is Bill Buckner, John Starks and Dan Marino all rolled into one.  The most frustrating part of Mr. Shuster is that he starts playing well AFTER the U.S. is already eliminated from making the elimination rounds.  He's David Wright in the eighth inning of a 12-3 game.

3.  Full-Time Curlers

You want to know how to tell we don't take the sport seriously?  We make these guys go out and earn a living on their own while curlers in other countries compete full time.  We don't make LeBron get a summer job, do we?  You won't see Aaron Rodgers selling insurance during the off-season!  (Okay, bad example.)  Let's gather up some sponsors for these guys (I'm looking at you, corporations based in Minnesota) and make them full-time, at the rink 10 hours a day, curlers.

4.  Language Lessons

Sure, our players can talk all the trash they want in English but so can the other teams. Now, how awesome would it be if our players could tell a Finnish curler to "not choke on your balls" IN FINNISH?  That would have to freak them out a little bit, right?  Two hours a day will be spent on learning trash-talk phrases in every competitors' language.  This has to be worth at least 2-3 points a match.

5.  Get Our Fans Involved

I am picturing a cross between the Cameron Crazies of Duke and the soccer fans in the movie Green Street Hooligans.  Look, we as Americans are already known as the most obnoxious, loud and arrogant people on this planet.  We might as well use that reputation to help out our now bilingual, muscular curling team.  When the other team is about to release the stone, we can yell about their mother being the town whore.  Other team trying to talk strategy?  We chant as loud as we can about how their country is inferior to ours.  I can just imagine the scene: Russia vs. USA, gold medal match, 10th end and we need a point.  "GO STAND IN A BREAD LINE (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)."

If we do these things, I foresee a team of Vernon Davis, Ray Lewis, Patrick Willis and J.J. Watt bringing home the gold.  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Russia To World: "We Thought You Were Joking!"


SOCHI - In a bizarre statement only three days before the start of the Winter Olympics, Russian President Vladmir Putin claimed during a press conference that Russia never actually thought the Winter Olympics would be held in Sochi.

"We thought it was a prank," Putin stated while petting his toy poodle Magnus.  "We are horrible people. Why would you ever agree to give us the world stage?"

Reports of unfinished hotels and lack of the basic amenities in some rooms have filtered out over the past 24 hours as media have flocked to the coastal town.  One reporter took to Twitter with anger after her hotel room did not have running water.

"What were you expecting?  We only figured out that these games were real like a week ago" said Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev.

The press conference, which was delayed for 10 minutes while aides for both Putin and Medvedev searched for phone books for the two to sit on so they could reach the microphone, took place in what used to be the janitor's closet at the Sochi Best Western.

"We all make mistakes," Medvedev continued "but this one is totally not on us. We thought you were joking. Why on earth would we host the Winter Olympics at the one place in Russia that doesn't get a lot of snow? That's just crazy talk."

When asked why, if they thought it was a joke, the Russian government built a large stadium in Sochi, Putin responded, "Oh that? That, um, is just for monster truck rallies."

A reporter from the BBC then asked whether the conditions at hotels will be better for the 2018 World Cup.

"What? That is also real? That can't be real. Now, these pecs? These are real!" Putin shouted while disrobing.

The press conference ended with both Russian leaders praising the work of the Russian people with "only weeks to prepare for the games" and Putin demanding the media to note that, even at just five foot seven, he is three inches taller than Medvedev.

"He's so short!" Putin exclaimed.